I’ve had quite a bit more to chew up than I thought. It is so interesting to analyze what it means for me to have always held my dad as my hero. It makes for a crazy role model. I look at him so much and see him as my archetype for what it means to be a man and what I should look like. I have to take a good long look at who he is and then I have to look at myself and see how similar we are. I hate to say we are similar. It makes me angry, I don’t want to be like him. He hurt me, I don’t want to hurt anyone.
When it came to fight or flight, he was a runner. He would run emotionally. I am guessing he ran emotionally for years, hiding, deceiving, and dodging. He finally gave up physically and ran. He ran from his problems multiple times in his life. Hearing from others about how he dealt with various stresses of his first marriage, his third child, and his second marriage, I can now see in him how he ran.
Similarly, I see in myself, I shut down. I hide my feelings and dodge people who love me. I don’t want to, I just don’t know why I do it. I don’t like it and I don’t think it is healthy. I just don’t know what else to do. I guess I have a topic of conversation for the next time I go see my counselor.