How You Doing?

“How has your week been?”

Simple question, and how we respond is what matters. We can respond with an oversimplified answer, ‘good, fine, or bad’. And that will suffice for a surface level conversation or passing greeting.

We can respond in the negative and unload all of the bad things that happened in our week regardless of any good things that might have happened in our week.

We can respond in the positive and blast all the happy-go-lucky positive veneer as if there is not hardly a single thing wrong in our corner of the universe.

Or we can be honest about where we are at and respond with the truth. It might be skewed that day or week depending on the majority of happenings in our week.

None of these responses are empirically right or wrong. When I am feeling antisocial, I will give a surface level response. And when things are generally anything other than really bad, I’ll give a positive response. Maybe it is time for me to be more honest in my responses.

How do you respond? Are you overly positive? Overly negative? Overly shallow? What would it look like to be more honest?

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Balancing Act

I have been looking at the reality of relationships in connection with authenticity, engagement, and depth. How people engage one another, dig deeper, and build truly long lasting relationships. Relationships sharing the deepest parts of our lives. The parts we put in the corner and hide from ourselves and each other.

I have found a measuring system. A measuring system I am sure is true for me and is possibly true for you too. I put my relationships on a scale. When I sit down with someone for the first time or the one millionth time, I have our time together on a scale. The scale has weights on it with names such as time, authenticity, intentionality, and trustworthiness. 

How long have I known this person?

How authentic have they been with me in our relationship?

How intentional are they with me and knowing me?

How trustworthy have they proven themselves? 

I put all these things on a scale and thus I have a relationship with someone. I work to keep this scale balanced. Never putting too much time into them, as to seem needy. Never be too authentic, as I might seem more messed up than they are. Never be too intentional with them, as I might seem stalker-ish or creepy. Never share what we talk about and err on the side of saying nothing rather than anything at all. Confidentiality is king.

However, I cannot decide if this system of weights and counterweights is healthy. Then again, I am asking myself, is it actually worthwhile to keep this scale system? As a matter of fact, would it be best to skip the scale system all together, drop something heavy on my end and see what happens? 

What would happen then? Would they run? Would they respond in kind? Would it improve the relationship altogether? Would I have better friends? Would I be a better person? Would they be better for the relationship we have now? The opportunities seem limitless. It truly seems as if talking more freely about myself would not only deepen the relationships I have but also keep me from the relationships that have no future to begin with. 

How do you measure your relationships? Do you tip the scales or do you wait for others?

Tipping the scales,

–JT

Conflict

I have, previously, never dealt with conflict well. I would get hurt. Emotional. And finish it all with a nice dose of justified anger, I highly doubt those two words actually ever go together. Since I have had time to reflect and analyze this cycle inside myself, I have been able to see it. I have been able to sift it, and I have been able to realize and catch these triggers before they can hurt other people. 

I have been intrigued by this cycle I have. Most of the time I am a peaceful person when it comes to being hurt. However, I am peaceful because I came to learn that I take on the victim's mentality. The mentality that says, "Everyone is going to hurt me and I just need to buck up and take it like a man." Unfortunately, I do not have a clear picture of what it means to take it like a man. What it means to deal with inner anger, madness, and sadness well. I have movies where there is an archetype I relate to. I have fictional books where I can see a relatable character I cling to. I do not have a real life, clear as day, human being I have been able to see walk through this well (that I know of.) 

These facts are not a cause an effect. These are two tandem realities that work together to cause issues. The connecting cord between these ideas is whether or not we talk about it as we walk through situations where we are upset. Whether or not we share how we are actually doing. Whether or not we are willing to share our lives with people around us (not to say we have to share our story with all people, healthy and unhealthy). 

Sharing our story is past tense to telling the story I lived last week, last month, last year, or last decade. 

Sharing my story is also present tense in telling the story I am living today.

Who are you sharing your present tense story with? Who are you sharing your past tense story with?

Story

I am so intrigued by what happens when I tell my story. When I open up with people and tell them what has happened in my life. Where I have been. Who I have been. What I have done wrong and what I have done right. 

My story can range. It can range from the last decade to the last few months. My story could be all 29 years. My story could be this last week. When I sit down and talk to someone and I tell them my story. 

I have been making bonds. 

I have made bonds intentionally and unintentionally. I have made bonds to people I never expected to make bonds to. They are interested in my health and I am interested in their health. We are connected to one another. This last week I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to someone who I had told my story to. I did not realize how impactful it was to tell my story to him. 

When we sat down, he told me his story. 

His story hurts right now. Right now I get to walk through his story with him. Right now I get to be a part of his story. 

I never would have had this opportunity if I did not tell him my story. 

When will you tell someone your story?

Storytelling,

–JT

Putting the 'Mas' Back in Christmas

You now see why I can make a case for Christ-Mas being a hispanic holiday. 

Though it is not actually a hispanic holiday, it is Christmas day. Todays origins are in a manger in Bethlehem, Israel. There is a stable where a man named Joseph, a woman named Mary, had a son and named him Jesus. This man and woman allowed their son to be the man he was meant to be. They did not stifle his story or inhibit him so that they might push their agenda. They told his story and did not hide the truth of his story from their friends.

Here I am. Today, it is my goal to tell my story. When people start trying to get to know me or asking me about the last year. When they ask about what I’ve been doing, where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to etc. I am going to tell them all about the last month of self reflection and learning. I’m not going to bounce from one awkwardly shallow conversation to another. I need to tell people about my life. I don’t think my life is super important, interesting, or a bastion of light for other lives to be lived; but, I do think my life has a story. And my life wouldn’t be what it is if people weren’t willing to share their lives and stories with me. 

It is time to reciprocate. 

When I am scared of reactions. 

Afraid of judgement.

I need to speak out and tell my story and trust in the person standing across from me. They have a story too. They have value. They need to know that I struggle just as much as they do. Today I tell my story. 

Will you take the time and trust someone else today? Will you tell your story and not hide the details?

Telling my story,

–JT

Friendzone

I have people in my life who know me pretty well. These are people I can be genuine, open, honest, and they just know me. These are people who I’ve known a long time. A really long time. We've been friends/family for the better part of 20 years. We’ve all seen each other at some really high points and some really low points. We know each other. These are a couple guys I would call brothers and a girl I would call a sister. 

I get to be with these people now as I have the time to spend with them. I came to their place and told them where I am at, and they take me into their lives with open arms. I am blessed by these people. This family of mine. They bring me in and love me and support me. This is the best reminder that I am loved. And whether I think I am or not, I have people in my life who want the best for me, here in Seattle, Moscow, and Pullman. I have people who care. The question for me is am I going to let them care? 

Am I going to let them in on what is going on or hold them out at a distance?