Soap Box Derby

Have you ever been to a Soap Box Derby? I actually have not, so kudos to you if you have. The concept behind this type of race bugs me. 

I grew up watching Nascar and Indy cars. More horsepower than most people will ever need or experience in their lifetimes or ever need to experience. These types of races have always made sense to me, probably because I grew up with them being overly important. 

I take a look at soap box derbies and wonder how they interest so many people, not in a negative sense where I am looking to ‘hate on’ their passion or dreams. Quite literally from an analytic point of view, I do not think I could enjoy roller cart derbies as a hobby or even a spectator really. These soap boxes on wheels are not self driven. They are driven by gravity, the angle of hill, the aerodynamics of the soap box, and who knows how many other factors I am not qualified to guess at or discuss. There is an impressive amount of craftsmanship and science I am not going to discount. However, at the end of the day, the car will never propel itself. As soon as you run out of hill and science–motion, inertia and things, you are done. You are not going anywhere. 

Similarly, I have been coasting on the hill built by those who have come before me. They put in the leg work and prepared the way for the success I have experienced. I have never had to do much more than show up and work hard. Those two elements have allowed me to coast on the same science–motion. Oddly enough, I have been coasting uphill. I have been traveling uphill as others have towed me along. I did not have vision or plans. 

The people who have come before me have built the hill for me to coast on. They built the racer I get to sit in. They towed me to the top of the hill and pushed me down it. They did the science of how to build the car, found the best materials, and greased all my axels. 

It is time for me to start contributing to the hill building, soap box car building, science calculations, and wheel greasings. It is time for me to use my team to continue develop direction and height to the hill so others might be able to coast down it as well. 

For a while I might be left to drive back up the hill I just rolled down. However, when learning to drive, it is probably best to do so in a familiar environment. 

Where are you coasting? What does it look like to start putting in the work to build a new soap box racer for the people who come after you?

Working,

–JT

Ebb And Flow

Life has rhythms, cycles, ebbs and flows. It has natural direction and development to it. A newborn experiences these development cycles quickly after she is born. She will go from a dark fluid–filled life to walking in a short while. Before walking happens there are many other transitions she’ll experience involving teeth, solid foods, diapers, milk/formula, and the all important sleep cycle. 

One day this baby girl might learn to play guitar. She will experience a new development cycle different from the one she experienced as a newborn. She will first have to go from being completely in the dark about how to play, use a pick, finger pluck, chord structures, major scales, minor scales, sheet music, tablature, chord charts, arpeggios, tapping, strumming patters, lead patterns, and techniques. Slowly but surely she will learn these things. She will learn her first song (Louie Louie or Mary Had A Little Lamb of course) and, with excitement, play it over and over again until her parents begin limiting her practice time or make her practice in the garage. One day she’ll even join her friends and start a band, join the school band, or her instructor might even have her join a guitar ensemble. Once in a group, she will learn a whole new slew of of skills of and talents to hone and again experience a new cycle of development and maturation.

At no point would we ever want to stop or slow down a newborn’s development and maturation. At no point would we ever want to stop or slow down a new musician’s development and maturation.

However, for whatever reason I find myself looking back and forth between my future and my past wanting to relive fond memories. Wanting to reproduce fond memories. I find myself not thinking about the new events of the future. I hold onto the fun things I’ve already lived through. There is a certain amount of fear and trepidation coming from the unknown of the future. Truly, it is not the fear holding me back. It is a joy of the past and present keeping me from moving forward. It is the cost of change. The price of new. I think these are the reasons I am having a hard time concentrating on the future. I have had a good life. 

I have a good life. 

What would make me want to upset the apple cart? 

I have been having a hard time remembering the cost and prices I paid for the changes I have lived through. Much like our new guitarist, she will go through the pains of muscle cramps in her fingers from practicing too much and developing calluses on her fingers is not pain free either. However,  I guess you might say, “The end justified the means.”

Today I am reminding myself to embrace new plans for the future. These plans come at a cost. Some of them will be successful, others of them will leave, “room for improvement.” All of them will teach me something. 

What do you think about the future? What cost are you not willing to pay for growth? What past experience are you clinging to?

Developing,

–JT

Opinions

Over time I have learned to need and to fit in. I have not often felt like I needed to fit in, whether it be with a mass or a large group. I am somewhat avoidant of large groups in general. I do not generally see the need to be a part of a larger group. I find I am most comfortable in the presence of a few close friends. 

The opinion of these people is paramount to me.

If one of these few people were to say I am pointed in the wrong direction, I would almost immediately adjust course and change direction. 

I do not generally value the opinion and voice of strangers. People I don’t know at all or very little really. I can even think of situations where complete strangers have inserted there opinions into my life completely unsolicited and I have been so repulsed. I am open to conversations about decisions I make. However, to blatantly tell me what to do or how to do what I do without any relationship with me is completely offensive. In the even one of these people were to voice an opinion about me being pointed in the wrong direction. I would reevaluate, analyze, and process their words to find the truth behind what they are saying. (There is always truth behind an opposing opinion, you have to find out what that truth is before embracing or dismissing it.) After analyzing, I would embrace or dismiss, partially or fully, their opinion and move forward accordingly. 

I have not often found value in trying to give strangers a voice in my life. I expect to earn my right to speak into their lives and vice-versa. 

Who’s perspective do you value and hold in high regard? Who’s opinion should you hold in high regard?

Selectively,

–JT

Revolving Door

Last week I was in New York City. I was blessed with a vacation by my in-laws. The thrust of the trip was rest, relaxation, touristing, and celebrating my sited-in-law’s college graduation. I believe I did these things well. During this trip we saw all the sights and did all of the things. Honestly, ask me if we did whatever thing it is you think we absolutely HAD to do and I’m guessing we probably did it.

Also during the trip, I had a couple days to myself to run around the city, see what I would want to see, and generally enjoy the city in such a way as I would prefer. I took some time to reflect about me and what I think and how I feel about life during these days. I was looking for the unexpected. Truly, looking for what I was missing about myself. Nothing struck me as I was sitting with a few strangers, all us relaxing in an 85 year old establishment titled, ‘Nat Sherman International.’ After a bit of relaxation, I departed the Nat Sherman and ventured around the city to go shopping. I found my way to my corporate coffee shop of choice to get a delicious iced black tea. 

On my way out of the coffee shop, it struck me. In the face, it struck me. The revolving door of the coffee shop struck me in the face *almost* and I had an epiphany simultaneously. Funny how often these two things coincide. 

I think the revolving door almost striking me in the face reminded me of the truest reality of life, teamwork, and success. The idea I was struck by was how a revolving door works. It is both simple and incredibly profound. When I step into the door, I am usually stepping in behind someone else. This person is probably pushing the door in front of them to keep the doors revolving. When I step in, I am unconsciously faced with a decision to start pushing right then or ride on the laurels of the person in front of me. If I take the latter of these two options, then I will be left in the turnstile after the person in front of me exits. Upon their exit, the revolving door will continue to move, centrifugal force; eventually, the door will stop moving with me inside of it.

I am then faced with my final choice, I can either stop here, count my losses, and wallow, or I can start pushing. It will be much harder to start pushing from the dead stop, I will have to build up the momentum again and there is always friction around me. But it can be done. I will push until I am all the way through the door. As I exit, I am faced with the last decision.

How hard am I pushing as I exit?

Am I pushing just enough to squeeze out a crack for me, a crevice through which I can exit? Or, am I sprinting through the exit? Am I pushing until logically beyond my capacity. The door is around the corner and about to hit me in the back of the head, but I am still pushing so the person behind me is able to build more momentum then I have.

In my life, I am not dying any time soon, as far as I know, however, there are a dozen different situations and contexts for my life. 

My vacation being one of them. As I left for NYC, did I leave pushing extra hard and farther than I needed to so the people still in the turnstile would be able to carry on the momentum while I was gone? Or, did I leave and they were left to deal with the leftovers as I snuck out of the crack the door provided for me.

As you are at work, as a parent, a friend, or a confidant you are growing and other people are filling in the gaps you are creating. Are you pushing the revolving door with all your might as you exit? What do you need to do to push a little harder, and make the door swing a little farther than before?

Pushing,

–JT

Knowing Now and Later

You are a leader or a subordinated or both. As I am in my position now I have people I lead and people I follow. I see the people I lead and the people I follow. I need to be taking notes on both. I need to be writing down what I think the people I follow are doing well. 

I literally need to write down what I think people are doing well and what I would not want to repeat. These ideas will always be available to me as I continue to grow and mature in my life. I will always be able to look back and see what works and does not work and what I can do well. 

A journal full of leadership ideas will serve me well as I look to continue to grow and lead and mature. These ideas will also stick with me as I grow. I will not be able to step into a role where I make these same mistakes. I will not be able to forget what it was like following someone in my position. I will always be able to keep a perspective on who I am and how I came to be where I am. 

What is the perspective of someone who follows you? What do they see? What do they know? What is it like to follow you?

Journaling,

–JT

Balancing Act

I have been looking at the reality of relationships in connection with authenticity, engagement, and depth. How people engage one another, dig deeper, and build truly long lasting relationships. Relationships sharing the deepest parts of our lives. The parts we put in the corner and hide from ourselves and each other.

I have found a measuring system. A measuring system I am sure is true for me and is possibly true for you too. I put my relationships on a scale. When I sit down with someone for the first time or the one millionth time, I have our time together on a scale. The scale has weights on it with names such as time, authenticity, intentionality, and trustworthiness. 

How long have I known this person?

How authentic have they been with me in our relationship?

How intentional are they with me and knowing me?

How trustworthy have they proven themselves? 

I put all these things on a scale and thus I have a relationship with someone. I work to keep this scale balanced. Never putting too much time into them, as to seem needy. Never be too authentic, as I might seem more messed up than they are. Never be too intentional with them, as I might seem stalker-ish or creepy. Never share what we talk about and err on the side of saying nothing rather than anything at all. Confidentiality is king.

However, I cannot decide if this system of weights and counterweights is healthy. Then again, I am asking myself, is it actually worthwhile to keep this scale system? As a matter of fact, would it be best to skip the scale system all together, drop something heavy on my end and see what happens? 

What would happen then? Would they run? Would they respond in kind? Would it improve the relationship altogether? Would I have better friends? Would I be a better person? Would they be better for the relationship we have now? The opportunities seem limitless. It truly seems as if talking more freely about myself would not only deepen the relationships I have but also keep me from the relationships that have no future to begin with. 

How do you measure your relationships? Do you tip the scales or do you wait for others?

Tipping the scales,

–JT

Afraid of the Dark

A great leader once said, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” These words may or may not be completely true. But I do believe there is power in fear. It is paralyzing. Fear makes me anxious. Fear makes me not want to do things because the possibility of failure. Sometimes I have even been fearful at the thought of succeeding. Either way, fear still lingers. 

Lately, I have been in many situations where I find myself afraid of what is coming. I am afraid to step up. Afraid to do something new. Afraid to fill shoes bigger than my old shoes. Generally, fearful of what is going on. The crazy part about being so afraid and fearful of what I am doing is,

I have been loving it and hating it at the same time.

I have been doing new things, trying new things, and getting out of my comfort zone and it has been going well. I have been reminded of a truth I once new. If I’m not doing something I am afraid of, I am probably not growing. This phrase is true, not universally true, but it is truth for me  and healthy for now. There are rare times or seasons where I am maybe not doing anything new but there is still some fear in me. 

The core still remains, doing new things often comes with a fair amount of fear. It is good for me to do things I’m afraid of. 

I think I am growing and succeeding because I am facing down my fears. 

The biggest fear I have been facing is my fear of failure. A fear I now call, a fear of learning.

Where is fear keeping you from taking a step out? Where are you letting fear rule you?

Fearfully,

–JT

Designed in California

As I continue to process my findings about myself from the Pathmaker personality metric I went through in December, I continue to unlock nuances to how much impact these nuances have for me. One of these nuances resides within my purpose statement, “I must … create opportunities for others to pursue excellence.” This bit isn’t about me. This bit is about other people. It is about giving them a place to be who they are and suceed. I do not have to succeed for them, I need to put them in a position where they can succeed. I need to give them the tools, resources, and implements they need to be able to pursue excellence. 

The most notable part about pursuing excellence is not achieving it all the time. Hopefully, we will achieve excellence as a rule. However, there will be times where we are in a situation and we cannot achieve. Some people call an unsuccessful pursuit, ‘failure.’ I call an unsuccessful pursuit, ‘education.’ Retitling failure as education takes a bit of the edge off, it does not take away my fear or negative attitude towards it. Retitling failure as education reminds me of the purpose of failure, to learn. 

Thus, we have reached the pinnacle of the back half of my purpose statement. I am here to create space for people. For people to learn, to try, to succeed, to educate, to enjoy life, to be frustrated, to be who they are at their fullest potential. I am here for the purpose of other people. I am freed from making them succeed and tasked with empowering and equipping them to succeed. 

I am both freed and excited.

Whether in mass or in one–on–one (much preferable) situations, I am here to create space for other people to do what they are designed for.

What are you designed to do? When was the last time you acted like this out?

For you, 

–JT

Authoritative Responsibility

Responsibility without authority is abuse. 

When I was responsible for the outcome or delivery of a final product; but, I did not have the authority to make major decisions or lead the project, I was being abused. I have realized, a small part of the reason in an unhealthy place, was because I did not perceive myself to have the authority to make decisions about the areas I was responsible for. Whether I did or I did not does not matter at this point. The reality of the situation is, I choose whether or not I have the authority to make decisions in areas I have responsibility. 

When you give someone responsibility, do you give them the authority to make the decisions? Are there places in your life you are responsible for but you are not taking the authority to make decisions?

Authoritatively and Responsibly,

–JT

Speak Easy

I have been recently struck by the need for a common language and the power it gives a group of people. They have common tools to use. Similar to a staff team going through a personality profile, a group of friends going to a marriage seminar, or a group of soldiers in basic training leave basic training with a common language they speak built on their experiences and the leaders/teachers who gave them all the same definition of the same words. 

These people now work together more efficiently and more effectively because they all say the same thing and mean the same thing. They have the same definition for a word, phrase, or acronym. Much like if I say 9/11, you have a definition and a picture in your mind, much like I do. 

We as mature American adults can identify with a common imagery given to us by an outside source. You and I can identify with each other based on this common language. 

Common language gives us reason to classify each other and create classification systems for people. Not tiered in order to qualify value, instead they are systems to understand qualities and characteristics. 

When you give a group of people who respect each other and work well together a common language and common definitions to understand each other. They suddenly become more connected. They see value in one another and they have a common verbiage to use to attribute value to one another.

We as a team have been able to understand the value of one another because of the common language we have. 

I can understand the people around me better because we have a common language given to us by the Pathfinder process we went through last December. Now we continue to grow together and understand each other because we have this common language.

How well do you understand the people around you? How can you spend some time developing a common language with your team?

Defined,

–JT

Worth Celebrating

Today is a day worth celebrating. Today is the birthday of a strong woman who has always been an amazing influence in my life. Today checks off one more year to her amazing story. Another year of growth and strength. Another year of her being a role model for me. Another year of her being herself. She is a person worth celebrating for me. She has been incredibly instrumental in being who I am today. Beyond the obvious, she has been over and over again the person I look to for strength, wisdom, and encouragement. She has been a servant her whole life and there is nothing more I could ever ask from her as she has always gone above and beyond to take care of me. She is an amazing woman.

Today I get to celebrate my mom. And I couldn’t be happier to be celebrating her unless I had the opportunity to celebrate with her. 

I love you mom.

Love,

–JT

The Value of The Yen

It is so interesting how I stop accepting myself. I end up telling myself little lies about my ideas, my thoughts, my value, and my ambition. I start filling myself with doubt. I ignore the truth my friends have given me. The encouragement my friends have poured out on me and start focusing on the little things that are wrong with me. 

After a while I start to look in the mirror and see an intelligence quotient score, which is too low

I see a pant size, which is too big.

I see a shirt fitting too tightly.

A hairstyle, not groomed correctly.

A heart, is not happy enough.

A husband, not loving enough.

A friend, not attentive enough to the people who matter to him.

Relative who does not ever call.

And after a while, I begin to think I am barely worth the clothes I am wearing. 

No one ever told me I have so little value. I have convinced myself of this idea. As a matter of fact, the people who might be the very people who would jokingly say these things to me are not saying these things. Even their jokes are positive. Their love is ever present. I am the only one telling myself these lies. 

I am the only one trying to define myself of something that is totally and completely insufficient to measure my self worth.

I am the only roadblock standing between me and progress. I am feeding myself these lies.

I am the only one who can plug the hole of these lies pouring into my life. 

Where are you lying to yourself? What lies are you telling yourself? When are you going to start telling yourself the truth?

Valuably,

–JT

Horsing Around

I remember, as a kid in the 1st or 2nd grade, going on a horse back ride. A horseback ride for me then was not necessarily super special; however, it was different and enjoyable. It is all pre routed and is about as dynamic as the rising and setting of the sun, I don’t know if you noticed, but the sun rises and sets every day. However, there was one very memorable part of this adventure for me. The memorable part was my horse. 

My horse wanted to be the leader. He would regularly march out front of the lead horse and start to lead the group. After a few minutes of leading, he would realize he was not a leader. He didn’t know where to go. He didn’t know how to lead. He didn’t like being in the front. He wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t sure where to go. After a few minutes at the front, he would fall back into second place and stay there. 

A short while later, he would want to lead again. He was tired of looking at the back end of the horse in front of him. He would want to be numero uno. Accordingly, would confidently start clopping back into first place and try to lead again. Same as before, once again, he would realize he was in the wrong spot. He was ill suited to lead and had no idea where to go. He desperately wanted to lead. However, he couldn’t. He didn’t know where to go or what to do on his own. 

The horse in the first position, never once nipped, bit, or kicked at my horse. He always let my horse pass him and then gladly passed him back when it was time. 

Which horse are you? How well do you fill your role?

Not Horsing Around,

–JT

Friends

Good friends. These sorts of people can never be replaced. These are the people I have been given in my life. These are the people who have truly made me a better person. They have propped me up when I have been falling down. They have sent me home when I needed to be away. They have celebrated with me when I have been doing well. These are the people I’m thankful for. These are the people I can never replace. These are the people I work to show and tell every day how much I love them and could never do life without them. Who are the people you love and could never do life without? Who are the people who make you a better person? How often do you tell them and show them how much they mean to you?

Thankfully,

–JT

When Online

I have recently been reminded of the importance of how to act online. I have been reminded of the essence of my personality. I have been reminded of the priority of hospitality. I have been reminded of love, grace, and patience. I have been reminded where these qualities belong. These qualities belong everywhere. These qualities especially belong online. When I speak and interact with people, when I Twitter and Facebook. Others should see,

Love.

Joy.

Peace.

Patience.

Kindness.

Gentleness.

Faithfulness.

Goodness.

Self-control.

These are the only things I should put online.

If someone were to put everything you have ever done online into a book and read it. What would they read? What qualities does your online persona have?

Lovingly,

–JT

Reflections

I continue to get to know myself. I learn about my habits, my reactions, my triggers, and my inconsistencies. I have been learning a lot about myself. The best part about getting to know myself is getting to know other people. The better I have come to know myself, the better I have been able to understand other people.

How much time do you spend getting to know you? How different do you think you are from everyone else? Are you really as different as you think you are?

–JT

Feeling with Others

I recently watched this video on empathy illustrated by the Royal Society of Arts (RSA) using material by Brené Brown from one of her TED Talks. The talk is very much like many other TED Talks and perhaps you’ve already seen this specific talk. It is a good talk, I enjoy it, and I have seen it many times. The video by the RSA, as they are more popularly known, is an excellent revitalization of her talk. The talk is as true today as it was they day she originally delivered it, though her dates and references might be dated. However, the core of the content still rings true. 

The core of illustration by the RSA also rings true. It is a visualization of Brené’s words. It resonates with me. It reminds me of when I hurt and what it means to bring comfort to someone else. The illustration reminds me to say, “Me too.” before I even consider saying, “At least…” The video also reminds me to tell my story. To tell people about who I am and where I have been. To be willing to be painfully authentic even though I am scared or worried about the opinions of others. 

The RSA’s illustration reminds me to listen to other people in such a way that I am saying, “I hear you and I am with you!” without ever actually saying a word. 

Maybe you are the one that is hurting right now. Maybe you are the one who is doing great.

Either way, are you telling your story? Do people know how you are doing right now? As you hurt, you have to tell your story. You have to tell people where you are at. Right now. You have to tell someone. Otherwise you are still alone and no one even has the opportunity to say, “Me too.” 

No one has the opportunity to join you in your pain.

There is the other side of the coin as well. You are doing well, right now, and you do not hurt. To you I would ask, “When someone opens up and tells you their story, do you say, ‘At least…’ or ‘Me too.’? Would anyone you are listening to ever say you are actually listening?

–JT

What We Talk About, When We Talk About Our Opposites

I have noticed people’s conversations with me can be somewhat polarized. Not generally referencing me, more in regards to talking about the things I like and endorse. For instance, I am an Apple user. I appreciate the Apple ecosystem. I like the iPhone, iPad, Apple TV, iMac, Macbook Air, Macbook Pro, Retina Macbook Pro, and I’m sure one day, I’ll even have an WATCH. 

Not everyone likes Apple, their hardware, their software, their philosophies, or their mode of operation. 

It is good for everyone to not love Apple. 

They are not the product for everyone. 

Oddly enough, I might be able to argue, this country was founded by some people who didn’t exactly want to have one mode of operation for all people. I wouldn’t carry that analogy out too far, but it does begin the discussion of my greater point, we all march to the beat of our own drum. 

This is so good. It is good for me to march to the beat of my own drum and you to march to the beat of your drum.

I bring up the Apple versus Microsoft, or the Apple versus Android, or the Apple versus Rolex conversation because it is a great analogy for the greater conversation. The conversation revolving around the people I don’t disagree with. When someone brings up their opinions on Apple, I quietly nod my head, make noncommittal remarks, and generally try to steer the conversation away from technology. I don’t like talking with people who want to talk in terms of extremes.

I especially I don’t like having to listen to people who are going to build straw man after straw man and angrily set them on fire. 

These are the conversations and exercises in listening where I am most pained. I want to create conversations where we can disagree with one another and there is not baseless name calling or wide sweeping assumptions based on limited knowledge or zero experience. 

Perhaps, you cannot relate to the example I am using. Apple is too tertiary for you. You do not resonate with technology. How about the Ford versus Chevrolet debate or the Republican versus Democrat debate. Maybe the conversation is better suited for you to discuss religion in these extremes, perhaps atheist versus christian is the conversation you know better. 

In any of these conversations, I do not ask anyone to ever change what they think about the other side of the coin. I am more interested in how you talk about the other side of the coin. Do you talk about the other side of the coin as if they are intelligent people, products, or options? Or do you talk about them as if they are less valuable than day old popcorn on the floor of your town’s 

How do you talk about the people who march to the beat of a different drum than you do?

Conflict

I have, previously, never dealt with conflict well. I would get hurt. Emotional. And finish it all with a nice dose of justified anger, I highly doubt those two words actually ever go together. Since I have had time to reflect and analyze this cycle inside myself, I have been able to see it. I have been able to sift it, and I have been able to realize and catch these triggers before they can hurt other people. 

I have been intrigued by this cycle I have. Most of the time I am a peaceful person when it comes to being hurt. However, I am peaceful because I came to learn that I take on the victim's mentality. The mentality that says, "Everyone is going to hurt me and I just need to buck up and take it like a man." Unfortunately, I do not have a clear picture of what it means to take it like a man. What it means to deal with inner anger, madness, and sadness well. I have movies where there is an archetype I relate to. I have fictional books where I can see a relatable character I cling to. I do not have a real life, clear as day, human being I have been able to see walk through this well (that I know of.) 

These facts are not a cause an effect. These are two tandem realities that work together to cause issues. The connecting cord between these ideas is whether or not we talk about it as we walk through situations where we are upset. Whether or not we share how we are actually doing. Whether or not we are willing to share our lives with people around us (not to say we have to share our story with all people, healthy and unhealthy). 

Sharing our story is past tense to telling the story I lived last week, last month, last year, or last decade. 

Sharing my story is also present tense in telling the story I am living today.

Who are you sharing your present tense story with? Who are you sharing your past tense story with?

Phones

Phones. Let's be real. Most all of us have one. We use them. According to some people, credible or not, 1 out of 8 of us are probably addicted to our phones or need to take some time, specifically 6&7March, to unplug. 

I cannot vouch for this or not. But I can vouch for what I see and my struggle. 

What I struggle with is the text message or tweet that comes in during dinner with my wife. The Facebook messenger notification that comes up during a work meeting. Or maybe even the push notification coming in from my podcast app of choice about the new episode of my favorite episode that became available. Then I do not control myself. I look over and see my phone has lit up with a notification and read it. I know I shouldn't. My wife will tell you that I struggle to not read it. And I aspire to be better about not reading these notifications with her and with others. I struggle to be more present in the conversations I am apart of so I am not tied to other people interjecting into my life. People who may or may not have a right to do so. 

I have a friend who once described the struggle something like this:

Imagine you're sitting down with someone whom you care about. Your spouse, a long lost friend, or someone you care deeply for. 

They have their phone on the table, not in their hand or anything. You are talking along and you are really enjoying your time together when suddenly their phone makes chimes in with a notification. 

Someone has texted them. 

They look down.

They pick up their phone and say, “Sorry, just a second."

They quickly reply to the text.

And then resume the conversation. 

Except now, there are three of you in the room, and you don't know who the third person is and you did not invite them into the time you are sharing with your loved one. However, they are sitting with you now and they might interrupt again at any moment. 

But the two of you resume the conversation and you engage your friend. They wouldn't let a conversation drag out on their phone and they would tell you if it is important. 

You trust them.

However, shortly there after, their phone chimes in again. Actually it chimes in three times. You notice the green bubbles on their lit up screen and recognize the sound from before.

They're texts.

At a glance you can't read the names, you're not being nosy, but you can tell the messages are from three different people. 

Your person apologizes again and picks up their phone. They quickly flick the toggle to silence it and unlock it. They say, "Oh, I'm in a group message now. They're party planning and I need to respond really quick."

You say, "It's ok." And excuse yourself to the bathroom, grab fresh some fresh snacks, and refill your beverages. 

Convenient timing. 

Then you sit down a few minutes later and this person of meaning locks their phone, and you resume talking. 

Unfortuneately, now there are several more people in the room. 

They weren't invited either. 

They're vocal. You still don't know these people and they’re interrupting. Your friends phone continues to vibrate infrequently. They're good not to check it. But it is sitting on their lap and your person is talking, you can hear it going off. 

Sometimes, this person that means so much to you, looks down and checks their phone while you're talking or they're talking or in those moments when you're laughing together. 

These people are here though. 

You can't get them out of the conversation and you've lost a part of this person sitting across the table from you.

You can not force these other people out. 

You. Are. Stuck.

Like I said before. I’m guilty of this. I’m not perfect at all. I’ve done this and I’m not proud of it. I’ve done this with people who I care deeply about and I’ve done this with people I am barely getting to know. I’ve done this. I’m not saying the phone is evil. I’m simply trying to point out how rude it is to invite people into a place where they do not belong. How hard I can make it on other people by inviting outsiders into a place that should be private, professional, or free of distractions.

I've taken steps in my life to minimize these opportunities. The first step I’ve taken is ‘silent mode.’ When my phone is on silent. My phone is silent. It does not vibrate, jiggle, or make a single noise. As a matter of fact, if I set my phone on my desk face down in ‘silent mode,’ my friends could start a four hour group message about whether Episode IV or Episode VI is better or if they like Picard or Kirk better and I would never know. Nobody sitting near my phone would know. The phone would simply sit there. Unmoving. Inanimate. It would be simply a phone on a desk. 

The second thing I’ve done to minimize my phone’s ability to interject into my life is I am picky about what does and does not get to light up my phone’s screen or make a noise (in the event my phone is not in ‘silent mode’.) I’ve gone through my notification settings and decided who does and does not get to light up my screen. Do I really need to get notifications from Dropbox on my phone’s screen because somebody invited me to share a folder full of pictures of their latest trip to Hell’s Gate State Park? How about from Starbucks, do I really need to know that they are having half priced scones? Or can these things wait for me to check them? 

Is my phone about instant notifications about everything going on in the world? Or is my phone about notifications that are relevant to me and what I need to know. And only the things that are most important get to cut through to me. Only when a notification truly matters and makes a difference in my relationship with someone else do I let the notification through.

Really, I have been trying to minimize distractions. I am trying to maximize the time I have with the people I am with. So they are more valued and I am more present. 

How many people are you letting into your conversations? Could anyone with your phone number interrupt you? Could anyone you’re friends with on Facebook interrupt you at any moment by commenting on the meme you posted last night or by liking the picture of beef stroganoff you posted on Instagram? 

How intentional are you about protecting the time you have with real people sitting in the room with you right now?

Focused,

–JT