Choosing Others

I am realizing, more now than ever, that much of the reason I am doing so well is because someone else chose me. 

Someone else chose me to be able to take time to heal. 

Someone else chose me to be able to step away from the busyness.

Someone else chose me above themselves.

I now have two obligations as I have been given this opportunity. I must choose other people that need to have a place to heal and I must continue to heal. My continued healing does not seem unattainable. Intentionally choosing others is going to be more of a habit than a one time deal. 

I am going to have to be intentional about seeing the people who are sitting aside and not speaking. The people who are on the sidelines. Maybe they are “in” and “committed” but they aren’t voicing their opinion. They are just riding along, coasting with everyone else. 

Maybe they are hurt like I was and they need someone to choose them as important enough.

I don’t know their situation. I only know it is just as much my responsibility to choose them now. Now is a time where get to watch and learn how to choose people who have something to say and I need to choose them to be available to be heard. 

Sometimes I’ll have to watch for someone who hasn’t contributed to the conversation in a while who seems disjointed and aloof. It could also look like me spending more time with people who have been marginalized and pushed to the fringe and don’t believe that they should have a voice. 

Either way, I genuinely believe that I will find more healing and growth as I continue to focus on others’ voices as well as my own.

Who around you does not use their voice? What can you do to bring them a voice?

Choosing,

–JT

Story

I am so intrigued by what happens when I tell my story. When I open up with people and tell them what has happened in my life. Where I have been. Who I have been. What I have done wrong and what I have done right. 

My story can range. It can range from the last decade to the last few months. My story could be all 29 years. My story could be this last week. When I sit down and talk to someone and I tell them my story. 

I have been making bonds. 

I have made bonds intentionally and unintentionally. I have made bonds to people I never expected to make bonds to. They are interested in my health and I am interested in their health. We are connected to one another. This last week I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to someone who I had told my story to. I did not realize how impactful it was to tell my story to him. 

When we sat down, he told me his story. 

His story hurts right now. Right now I get to walk through his story with him. Right now I get to be a part of his story. 

I never would have had this opportunity if I did not tell him my story. 

When will you tell someone your story?

Storytelling,

–JT

Listening & Asking

When I talk to people, I am work hard to hear what they have to say. I am also trying to figuring out how to drive people to a place where they need to go to find answers. We sit down, start talking, I kick into listening, analyzing, and problem solving and before long, I have an answer for the person. 

Then I stop listening and start convincing. 

Presenting arguments. Synthesizing answers. Preparing my discussion points. 

I do these things till they either agree with me or I can accurately believe I have thoroughly presented my point to them, they understand my point, and they simply disagree with me. At which point I either resume listening mode, rinse and repeat. Or, I walk away, in a friendly manner and allow them to go on their way without me. 

I think my method is sensible. And why would I not? I came up with it. However, my method makes a highly influential assumption. My method believes I have the answer and my answer is right, best, better, or most accurate. For me, my answer is right. My answer does not address the possibility of my answer being wrong for the person I am talking to. My answer is based on my experiences in my story. My answer does not address the experiences of the person I am talking to in their story. 

To say this in the simplest way, “My perspective is not their perspective.”

Ultimately, I need to start listening to people and ask them questions about themselves and let them do the work. It is not my job to do the heavy lifting, steering, driving, or answering. It is my job to ride along, ask questions, and be good company. 

When was the last time you sat down with someone who needed to talk and let them drive the car while you asked questions about the adventure?

Asking about the adventure,

–JT

Overreacting

Recently I spoke with my counselor about how I overreact and get angry. We had a good conversation about my and getting angry and overreacting. I do not act this way often. Truly, maybe once a month or less at the least and every couple of weeks at most. Usually I am overreacting to my wife about something rather small and inconsequential. We talked about this for a little while and it mostly boils down to being aware of where I am at. I lose touch with reality for a few minutes and literally just explode from inside myself. The issue comes up, some thing that irritates me happens for, what seems like, the one trillionth time and I explode. Or maybe someone simply does something that I think is well outside the bounds of ordinary human actions and I way overreact. The simple solution is, I need to pay attention to myself. 

Did someone just do something that bugged me? 

Was my reaction to shove it down into some sort of perceivable “bottomless pit?”

Will this pit actually fill up with false beliefs about the other person I’m talking to?

Should I just say something right now while I am healthy and we can have a grown–up conversation about the whole thing and move on?

The answer to the fourth question, if you didn’t guess it, is, ‘yes.’ The answer to all the questions is, ‘yes.’ However, the fourth question is the right course of action for me. 

How aware are you of where you are at in the moment? Are you paying attention enough to notice things that needed to be talked about before you end up in an unhealthy place? Are you saying something?

Peacefully,

–JT

Asking About Now

I went to see my counselor again. This time I was much more open-ended in my perspective and expectations. I had a small discussion of what I wanted to talk to him about, slightly prepared conversation about me overreacting at times. That was a good conversation and a portion of what we had to talk about. 

The majority of our conversation revolved around asking questions. Asking many questions. Good questions. The best questions really. Questions about where you are at. Right now. Not asking about where you are going or the future or what comes next. Asking questions about where you are at right now and allowing you to work through the implications of where you are at. That then will dictate where you go. Usually, this ends up being somewhat similar to where I think people should go. However, it is not for me to decide where people should go. What I must do is listen intently and ask questions about people and where they are at based on what they are telling me. I do love listening. 

Based on what I understand about the conversation, I get to listen, analyze, and ask. The hard part for me is going to be not asking and leading. Simply crafting masterful questions about where people are at in the moment and allowing them to lead the conversation to the next step to where we are going. Ultimately, I am listening to them as they are brought to a place where healing and wholeness is possible.

When was the last time someone asked you about how you’re doing?

When will be the next time you talk to someone about how you’re doing?

How well do you do at asking someone about where they are at, not where you think they should go?

Listening,

–JT

When I Am Better

I find it funny when things are going well how hard it become to continue to work hard. When I’m on the bottom or behind, I have to work harder, it is when things are going well I find myself starting to become complacent, relaxed, and I start to slack. For maybe the first time in my life, I’m doing well and I’m seeing how much work I have ahead of me (this is not to say I have never been doing well before, simply I have never had this realization in tandem with doing well.) I am seeing the triggers where I might normally become complacent and I am not going to give in to them. I am also seeing the triggers where I might over extend and take on too much because I am doing well and I am healthy, I am not going to give in to those triggers either. I am going to stand in the tension, allow myself to be pulled and try to always be aware of where I am in the tension. 

This is going to be interesting. Fun. Maybe even exciting at times. I look forward to where things will be going as I feel like I’m almost on top of the world with how well my life is going. My life is not this good because of me, my life is this good because of my community and the team I get to be a part of. I have been blessed with amazing opportunities and responsibilities. Now I am allowed to rise to the occasion and show the true measure of my character in successes and failures. 

I look forward to both. 

Where are you at in the tension of work and rest or complacency and success?

Battling on,

–JT

Ashes to Ashes

What is it about the underdog story? The story of the gal who rose from the ashes and put her life back together. Or the guy who recovered from addiction and 7 years later is now happily married, stable, and has his second kid on the way. What about these stories resonates so much with me. 

Why is it now that I’ve risen from my comparative ashes that I now feel pseudo invincible. Not in the sense I’ve adopted some risky lifestyle or behavior where I’m on the edge and always looking for my next plane to jump out of or mountain to climb. 

I’m taking risks in relationships. I’m pushing boundaries where I would’ve gone with the flow.

I relate to these stories as I feel as if I have risen from my own ashes. I do not think on the imperial scale my low is the lowest of all lows. However, on the relative scale I do think my low was as low as I’ve been. Now I have the opportunity to rise. I get to be resurrected from the ashes and push forward.

I now get to decide when the pushing stops. I deci whether or not I am going to face the next challenge. I may not always choose or create the challenge. I will decide whether or not I’m going to step up to the plate or take an excuse. 

What excuse are you taking instead of stepping up for the next challenge? 

Pushing,

–JT

Speaking Well

The issue with finding my voice is, I have to never forget what it is like to not have a voice. To constantly fight to be heard. I have to remember to give a voice to those who do not forwardly speak out. Generally, not always, but generally, I think most people are more comfortable with speaking up on their own behalf more than I am. However, I have decided to choose myself, as I have spoken about before. I have to remember there are others who need to be chosen, who have not chosen themselves.

Obviously, I have not always chosen myself. In the times I was not choosing myself to speak and not choosing to have value, the situation I could best speak my mind is when I was chosen. When someone else saw my quietness and called it out. Someone else noticed my lack of contribution and asked me to add to the conversation. And I would add to the conversation, if I had anything to say. 

Through this process of being chosen. I came to notice a very striking pattern, I was never allowed to fully speak my mind in my turn. Usually, I would be cut off before I was done. I would land enough of a thought that someone else would choose to butt in and say their piece about whatever I was saying. They did not have to work hard to butt in either. I have a habit of leaving space in my speaking. 

Space. 

Room.

Thinking.

Breathing.

I put these things into my natural cadence of speaking. I put these things into my cadence for myself, my audience, and artistic nuance. There is no reason to always spew as many words as possible out as quickly as possible to share them with people so that they can be bombarded by you and your thoughts. 

Other people do not speak so that you can have time to think of what you are going to say next. As a matter of fact, you should be listening to what people are saying. 

Ahem, YOU should be LISTENING to what OTHER PEOPLE are SAYING.

Stop.

Think about this last statement for a minute. (I actually mean a whole minute. Take 60 seconds, set a timer on your phone or your watch. Think about what it means to actively listen to the person on the other end of phone, the couch, the coffee table, or the conference room. Do you actually listen? Or are you simply composing your next thought and preparing for your turn to talk?)

Go ahead, I’ll gladly wait.

…

Did you see anything about yourself? Did you notice anything?

When other people are talking are you preparing your turn to talk or are you actually listening? 

What if after someone finished speaking, you took a minute to think about what they said every time they finished?

What if you did not bothering thinking about what you think or feel about what someone else is saying and instead focused so intently on what they were saying you actually drew out of them more than what they were saying? 

Then, when they are done speaking their piece, you thought about what you had to say.

During the silence.

During the moment when you sit there staring at each other while you think, and they think about what they just said. 

How would your life be different if the person across from you is more important that what you are going to say next?

Silently,

–JT

Choosing Me

Recently, I had the opportunity to get out of town with my wife and really just get away. Just an overnight trip nothing too elaborate; but, definitely a gem in the month of January, so quickly after the holidays. During this trip I found myself speaking out. Pointing out issues to store clerks, a little more aggressive in my ability to pick out issues in conversations with strangers, and generally more apt to fight for a little more than what I was being given. I wasn’t being mean. I wasn’t being rude. I wasn’t obnoxious, annoying, or demeaning. I was genuinely pointing out what I saw, asking for help when I needed it, and using my voice.

It

Was

Awesome.

If you’ve never tried it, you should! 

As we were heading home and talking about our trip together, my wife pointed out these differences in me. She appreciated the difference, especially as my outspokenness was not a combative maneuvers towards her during an “intense moment of fellowship.”

I reflected reflected on the difference, pondered, chuckled, and said, “I decided to choose me.” 

Choosing me resonates deep within my core. Especially right now. I am in a place where I am meeting adversity. In the face of adversity, I am still going to choose me. Previously, I would have just laid down and given up. I would have kept quiet. I would have been taken what I was given. This time I to chose me and I am not going to give up. I am not going to choose me because I am better or have a marginal superiority. I am going to choose me because I was chosen first. 

How often do you choose you?

Choosing

–JT

Waiting Game

Where do my own ambitions end and trusting others begin? Fine line for me. Right now, I too strongly want to move forward and roll over some people. I want to grab the bull by the horns and probably get myself in quite a bit of trouble to get where I want. 

I just see how many other people do exactly that and have little to no repercussions. I do not understand how I can make the same moves they would make with the same motives and be so much farther behind. This only adds credence to the conceptualization of everyone’s personalities being incredibly diverse. My proof here comes from the observation of people who naturally steam roll others do not mean to. These people aren’t malicious and they care deeply for others, usually. However, they do tend to just run people over for the accomplishment of their own goals. 

I’m stuck in a struggle where I want to move forward with my goals. I do not see a way to do that without running some people over. It has become a bit more difficult for me to be patient and wait. I have plenty to do in the waiting. I just long to move forward as well. 

I am right in waiting. I will continue to wait. I can see the areas in my life where I didn’t wait, what I have done to myself and what I have done to others. I simply have a hard time waiting when I decide on the next course of action.

How do you do with patience?

Waiting,

–JT

Being Me

“Everything in moderation, even moderation” –Oscar Wilde

Good quote. It is especially weighty when put into the context of team and identity. The greater good of the team, community, group, or collective is always superior to the need of the one. This truth must be taken in moderation. This truth is empirical so long as I don’t completely sacrifice myself to ‘better’ the team. the best analogy I can come up with is snow. 

Snow is made up of trillions upon trillions of tiny snowflakes. These flakes all work together to become a beautiful, serene, blanket of white fluffy powder. I especially like snow when it is in the mountains and not on the roads. All of these flakes work together to not be individual snowflakes, but instead a mound of snow to ski on, snowboard, sled, snowmen, snowballs, and car accidents. It is the collective power of snowflakes working together to become this powerful snow that can take lives or insulate the winter wheat. Snowflakes must work together. However, never does one snowflake have to give up the beautiful ornate design it has to be a part of the collective. The design of this flake is never placed at a higher importance than the group, however, it is still existent from the moment it forms as a frosty snowflake to the moment it melts into a puddle. The flake has a purpose and identity that is necessary for the collective’s success. 

I have a purpose and an identity that is necessary for my team’s success. I had given up my identity, buried it in a bucket somewhere, shoved it in a closet, and ignored it. However, it was waiting for me. 

I’ve been cleaning out my closets. Emptying my buckets. Now I am who I am and I am going to be me, unapologetically. 

For the sake of the team, 

My friends, 

My family,

And everyone I get to be with.

How much of your identity have you given up for those you love? Have you given up too much or too little?

Being me,

–JT

All Things to All People

Last post I talked about my natural skill of analyzation and how I am working to not substitute my ability to analyze for being faithful. However, it is so dang hard not to try and help everyone through analyzing. I want to analyze everything. Collect all the information, make decisions, help others make decisions, and be right about all of it. It is so hard to stop myself. I just get so much joy from it all. 

It makes sense to do something I get energy and joy from. I have a hard time keeping it to a tame level. Staying out of business I don’t belong in. Though, I have to remember how I got to where I was. I did not land there by actively making decisions from an unhealthy motive. I was making unhealthy decisions about myself and others because of a long series of unhealthy decisions I made.

The irony, I landed in an unhealthy place because I made too many unhealthy decisions originally based on healthy motives.

I made the decision, the minute assumption, my ability to analyze was necessary for all people to use. Not only my ability to analyze; but, me analyzing. I with a capital E-Y-E, — I — decided, — I — had to analyze for everyone else and fill in all the gaps. For the good of everyone else — I — took on more than I should have and buried myself in tasks and details which were unhealthy for me to be buried in.

Now I am in a place where I see my mistake, misaligned assumption. I see the lie I bought into. I am making moves to not be buried in those details and bonded to this lie. 

What small lie are you buying into?

In Truth,

–JT

Decentralization

When I am in a situation where I need to make a decision I use my ability to analyze to substitute where my faith should be and I do this based on fear. I am afraid of the outcome; therefore, I restructure my process so that I am at the center gathering information and analyzing everything going on around me until I have a solid grasp on what my next step should be. 

This process is moderately logical as I everything together, assemble all of the information and move forward. However, it starts to break down when I reach the pressure point where I am not the center of the universe. I might like to think I am; however, I am not. I am only a small part of the much larger picture I get to be a part of. Re-centering my life so that I am truly relying on the conversation of trust and freedom written into the scriptures I live by. This means I have to stop collecting and analyzing everything. I will run out of memory and explode. I must start taking my time and remembering what is important to remember and analyze. Then I will not be frustrated with all of the things that are out of place. There are many things in life out of place. It is not my job to fix them all. 

This is freedom. 

Where in your life are you trying to put yourself at the center of the universe?

Outside the center,

–JT

PS: As I reread this post in preparation to post it today. I realized how far I have to go before this will truly be something I am good at. I have swung back into the middle of overanalyzing, not trusting.

Second Amendment

This is the second amendment to my life, not the second amendment of the constitution. Go bear arms or don’t go bear arms. The choice is yours.

I am a little at a loss, as to what to share. I had a great talk with my counselor. He is a great guy with whom I think I click. I am glad to get to meet with him. Talking with him is great because the more we talk the more I find out that we have similarities. He also has extra insight into me because we can track each other and follow where we are at. This las week we brought out that I am afraid.

I find information, gain information, analyze information, and make decisions based on this information. This is a freeing revelation as I felt bound by the idea that I might be more inclined towards another bent. I felt restricted to be put into a different box besides this one. There are more dimensions to my personality than this one bent. However, I believe based on our conversation that this is a heavier emphasis than I thought it was. The point where fear plays into this is, I make decisions based on my fear. I overanalyze to avoid my worst fears.

Fear of failure.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of pain.

Fear.

FEAR.

FEAR!

My fear is knocking me off course. I substitute my fear for faith. I use my fear to fuel my ability to analyze and dissect my life so that I can control the outcome. I am still at a point where I am leaving the implications of what it means to use my faith to fuel my analytics up for discussion as I do not have a solid grasp as to what this means. I am open to interpretation and commentary. However, I will be investigating this more. 

What is knocking you off course? Fear? Anger? Sadness?

Faithfully,

–JT

The Real Tizz Shady

“Fake it till you make it.” – Somebody said this. 

WHY?

It is a terrible philosophy. You have two outcomes. 

1. You make it in an area where you should not have made it. 

2. You don’t.

I would guess the latter is the more likely outcome. Truly, how often do you make it? How often does anyone make it? Why was I faking it in the first place?

Why was I faking it in the first place!?

Seriously, I was trying to fake my ability to do things I did not love doing, and I am not good at, in the first place. I do not think I will love doing everything I do in life. There will always be things in life and work that are simply the things I do not want to do. However, I was trying to do things that I find interesting. But I was doing it simply to please others and because I thought it would just, ‘be okay.’ 

I cannot come up with a scenario where, “fake it till you make it” actually makes sense. I am even more upset with myself for trying to do it. Not intentionally, but it is what happened. I tried to be someone I am not, something I am not. I am glad to be moving past that. I am upsetting the status quo. I am making changes to the way I act and interact with others so I am not trying to be anyone other than me. 

I am who I am. I want to be who I am. I want to be a healthy version of who I am for the people I love so they are better at being who they are. None of us need to fake anything. 

Where are you faking it?

–The Real Tizz Shady

The Memories

I was listening to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts recently. The episode is mostly about self confidence and related aspects of self confidence; but, at one point one of the hosts, Casey, mentioned a teacher he had that gave him a rather offensive nickname in kindergarten. His story led me to think about my growing up years attending the private elementary school I went to, the friends I had there, and my major successes and struggles while I was there. The greatest struggle was with other students in regards to my weight, I was a chubby kid. This ultimately lead me to even reflect on how I would be picked on an bullied. Today, my weight is not as much of my identity as it once was; however, I do still struggle with my self image in regards to my physique. 

The part of these memories I hung on, as I was listening to this episode, is how kids would pick on me and exclude me, I was as quirky then as I am now. I was really focusing on how I would so strive for the approval of others that I would deprecate myself in order to get them to like me and befriend me. I would do anything I could so that they would like me. I look at myself today and see how I am willing to let others run right over me and keep my mouth shut when I shouldn’t. I was never one of the popular kids and I am not looking to change that today. Today I am only looking to stand up for myself. Not lay down every time I disagree with someone. 

I think this mentality is going to be a struggle to maintain because for so long I’ve ignored it. However, I do look forward to the positive changes it will bring as I move forward in life. I am not looking to be belligerent in the way I change how I act and how I interact with others. I am only looking to give my opinion when I have one.

Remembering,

–JT

Roadblocks

It is always funny to see how different road blocks pop up in my mind. I’ll be trying to see how different issues I’m working through actually play into different parts of my life such as my marriage or my workplace. And I’ll reach a roadblock I just can’t overcome. I can’t move past it. It just sits in front of me and slows me down, stops me. 

I’ll try all sorts of different methods to get past it. I’ll try to just barrel over it as if it doesn’t exist or just sneak around it in some coy thought process. Ultimately, I can’t move past it. Then the unthinkable happens, I sit down with someone who is involved with the roadblock, (ie my wife in relationship with my marriage or a coworker in relationship to my workplace.) And KABLAM, we’ve plowed through the roadblock. 

The first roadblock. 

The second roadblock. 

The third.

The fourth.

We are bounding through roadblocks as if they don’t even matter. Like they were never there. Then, I remember. I remember that I cant work through all of my issues alone. I can change my own behaviors. I can change how I act and interact with people. But I cannot do it alone. Bittersweet, but mostly sweet. I remember I need to be talking to people about what is going on inside as well as outside. What roadblock are you running into? Who could you talk to, to help you through it?

Plowing on,

–JT

Accomplished a Start

I did it! I did an entire month of writing and blogging. I did not miss a day. This isn’t really a huge deal for some. For me it is a bit of an accomplishment. I don’t often feel like I carry through all of my goals to fruition. I will usually give up, make excuses, or chicken out. 

Not this time!

This time I carried it all the way through. I left no stone unturned. I went all the way and didn’t even half-bake anything. I’m not terribly proud of every post. However, I definitely learned quite a bit about myself as a writer and a person. I look forward to the next year, continuing to write and grow as a person. I feel like I can actually achieve these goals and I’m not making lofty goals for myself that I cannot achieve. In the coming year, I look to continue to write. I’ll be posting much less, two or three times a week seems sustainable.

Most importantly, I was successful at something and I did a pretty decent job. This whole last month of writing wasn’t just to fill 30 days with useless blog posts, there are enough of those on the internet, it truly was to write about, process, and discuss what has been going on inside of me and get it all out. Accomplishing something makes me feel good about the coming year. I feel like I might be able to accomplish something more and be successful at something else. 

Proudly,

–JT

Giving up, Giving In

I’ve had quite a bit more to chew up than I thought. It is so interesting to analyze what it means for me to have always held my dad as my hero. It makes for a crazy role model. I look at him so much and see him as my archetype for what it means to be a man and what I should look like. I have to take a good long look at who he is and then I have to look at myself and see how similar we are. I hate to say we are similar. It makes me angry, I don’t want to be like him. He hurt me, I don’t want to hurt anyone. 

When it came to fight or flight, he was a runner. He would run emotionally. I am guessing he ran emotionally for years, hiding, deceiving, and dodging. He finally gave up physically and ran. He ran from his problems multiple times in his life. Hearing from others about how he dealt with various stresses of his first marriage, his third child, and his second marriage, I can now see in him how he ran. 

Similarly, I see in myself, I shut down. I hide my feelings and dodge people who love me. I don’t want to, I just don’t know why I do it. I don’t like it and I don’t think it is healthy. I just don’t know what else to do. I guess I have a topic of conversation for the next time I go see my counselor. 

Reflecting,

–JT

All My Bags Are Packed

Whelp, it has been about 3 weeks since my first counseling appointment, I have not scheduled another one yet. Mostly because of the holidays and the hustle-bustle of it all. I am here, I survived the holidays. Much as you did as well, obviously. They were good. It was good to see family, spend time with friends, and rest. I look back on the past few weeks to try and see what is different. What I have now that I did not have before. I do not know if I have anything now that I did not have before. I process and think and ask myself, “Why do I feel different?” 

I have no good answer. And I do not feel different all the time. I generally feel better, but not great. I still dip low, I am not living in the low points anymore.

Truly, when I compare what I have now to what I had before, I only have information. Powerful information. However, information and head knowledge only. Shocking how much this can do for me. Thrilling, really. I have the opportunity to move forward through learning more about myself. For me, this means that I can break free from the oppression of baggage. I choose whether or not my baggage controls me. 

I am beginning to ask myself, “Do I choose to have or not to have baggage?” 

For me, my baggage has not altered my brain chemistry. I have issues, no doubt about it; but,  because they are all psychological issues and not physiological issues, do I choose to have baggage?

I don’t have a good answer for this. I don’t completely agree with Yes or No as an answer. 

The best answer I am leaning towards at the moment is:

I do not choose whether or not I have baggage, I do get to choose whether or not my baggage is going to control me and whether or not I am going work through my baggage in a healthy way with people who love me and are committed to my success.

In Process,

–JT